A FRAUD OR AFRAID

I woke up and started crying.  I was scared.

Of what?  You ask.

Of being inadequate.  Of not being up to the task at hand.  Of being a fraud.

I have committed to leading a Creative Explosion Workshop on April 6 & 7.  The purpose of it is to create the energy to start what you haven’t started and to blast through the block that is in the way of going where you want to go.  As awkward as that sounds, it’s what the workshop does for people.  It’s a powerful commitment.

I started doing the workshop in 1988 and continued doing them until 2007 when I stopped.  Oh, I could say that I needed a break.  I did.  Or that I was taking a sabbatical or even that I was retiring, but that wasn’t the reason.  I stopped because I had lost my faith in myself—triggered by a very hurtful incident.

One of my best friends, who had taken my classes for years, repeated the workshop many times, and had moved through her fear to create a career singing and performing, cut off communication with me.  I was never clear what had upset her so much that she had to shut me out completely and not answer emails or calls.  I still haven’t heard from her.  Of course, I speculated, but that was fruitless and led nowhere.

I thought I was okay about it—that it was her problem, at least I told myself I was, but I wasn’t.  Instead of feeling my hurt and my anger and fear around abandonment, I thought, “If this work could so damage my relationship with a friend of 28 years, one who chose me to be her maid of honor in her wedding, then there must be something wrong with the work.  There must be something wrong with me.”  So, I “retired” from all teaching and doing workshops.

It didn’t matter how many people had told me what a positive and profound effect the Creative Explosion had had on their lives—that some had even changed their names as a result.  Instead, I used that “failure” if that is what it was, to stop doing the work.

It has taken me years to get over it.  It’s laughable in a way, I, who guide people into and through their fear, hid from my own and used her to stop doing the work that the Big Whatever had given me to do.

But, I have used those five ensuing years to grow and learn—being with my dying sister one winter, taking a three month solo journey around the US in a camper van, writing a book about it have all strengthened me.  Perhaps I needed those five years to go deeper into myself.  Perhaps this woman was just the “Pain Angel” I needed to push me to new level of self compassion.

So now, I’m stepping back up to the plate, so to speak.  It’s been five years.  I’m afraid.  I think I’m not good enough, but I’m going to do it anyway.  Mother Theresa spoke of being the pencil that God used to write with.  I like that.  My pencil may be old, stubby, and has some teeth marks chewed into it.  But the Big Whatever rescued me before the Hound of Hell ate it up completely.   Here I go.

Is there something you’re not doing or stopped doing because you think you’re not good enough?  Do you think you’re a fraud or are you just afraid?